You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
