It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My feet surprised me
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