so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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