dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
