if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
