If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
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yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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