Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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