My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
