Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
