I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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