I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
