Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
There's always time for handjobs
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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