she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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