I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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