I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
