onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
