youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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