I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
