just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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