do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
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I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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