I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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