Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
