he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
