I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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