I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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