My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
