New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
