i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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