he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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