just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
