Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
