When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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