I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
