everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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