I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
