Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
