Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
