Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
