I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
