Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
