fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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