So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
