I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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