i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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