what day is it and did you see me today?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Enjoy the penises
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
