Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
BRING THE BAGELS
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
