That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning