im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
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She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
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Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon