just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You know, be my cock's hype man.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
