He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
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