I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Blood and glitter go together right?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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