Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
