i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
