sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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