the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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