I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
i now understand why vodka
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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