well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
