8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
