I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
