So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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