Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
