So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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