If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
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